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I Can't Do This

September 4th, 2021

Yesterday I cried: "I can't do this!"

I put him down in his bassinet, screaming.

Then I went into the other room and screamed into a pillow myself.

I've been told this is normal and okay to do.

I needed a shower.

I needed to eat.

I needed to brush my freaking teeth.

And I hadn't had a moment, not one moment to take care of myself.

Not until my husband came home.

Came home to see me in tears that he couldn't stop.

He took the baby and said "Go look after you for a bit."

A wave of relief washed over me.

But while I was in the shower, washing my hair for the first time this week, I could still hear the crying.

It was loud and longing. Because he didn't want Dad, he wanted me.

He always wants me.

So I hurried, I was in there for less than 5 minutes.

I went back out in a towel wrapped around my dripping body and another atop my head.

As soon as I picked him up he calmed and settled.

"You didn't have to do that, we were okay." My husband said.

And though I know that logically, I did still need to, because I can't stand the sound of his cry for me.

Everything in my body tells me to go to him.

Silent tears rolled down my cheeks and my husband felt terrible that he couldn't be of more help.

And I felt guilty for always feeling like I'm drowning.

"How do other parents do this?" I wondered.

Was it really supposed to be THIS hard? Am I supposed to feel like this?

Lately, it takes all that I have in me to make it to the end of my husband's work day.

It makes me wonder if I'm weak or if I'm not a good mom, since I'm not enjoying the "blissful newborn phase".

I find myself staring at the clock on the wall, counting down the hours and minutes. Even if I'm still the one holding/feeding/soothing him, at least I'm not alone.

Today is a new day.

I didn't get much sleep, but I got up early to make sure I got a cup of coffee.

And I managed to eat something and brush my teeth before he woke up from his first nap.

So I repeat:

I can do this.

I can do this.

I can do this.

And I'll keep repeating it, until I believe that I can.

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